Thank you for following up. I had thought about writing an update since I could tell that it touched so many people here, but didn't know if anyone would have seen or remembered my original post. With great sorrow I have to say that Sara passed on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I take solace in knowing that she is no longer in pain and that she had accepted and made peace with her fate. Sara's mother and my parents could not have been better to me and made it possible to be able to come home from school once in September and again in October, then was able to be home at Thanksgiving and be with her during her final hours. Obviously it is the hardest experience I have ever had to deal with in my life. I think about her every minute of every day and have difficulty even writing this without begin to tear up. I have tried to resume my life as hard as it has been, just to have a distraction. Sometimes I wake up at night hoping it had just been a nightmare, but then reality sets in and I know she is gone. I know that every day that goes by the sadness will fade a little more and eventually I will meet someone else and move on with my life, but no matter what there will be a part of me that always loves her and wonders what might have been.
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Im going to apologize up front, because im going to be an vulgar asshole and say what your parents, her parents and your friends should have said to you. I am in no way looking down on your actions, they were quite honorable.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! the very fucking moment you realized that you loved this girl, you should have contacted the school and taken a minimum of a 6 month leave of absence and spent every fucking moment with this girl. goddamned dumb motherfuc...
once you realized how you felt about her, what she meant to you, you should have fucking begged this girl, on hands and fucking knees, to marry to you. you knew she had very little time. school could have waited, it would still be there in 6 fucking months. you should have given her everything you had. all of your attention, all of your time, all of your support, every goddamned ounce of strength you had.
*sigh*
I know this is all in hindsight, but these are things that should have gone through your thoughts and the thoughts of the people around you. all this being said, you did a very good thing. you gave her something she very much needed, a great happiness in time of immense sadness.
I appreciate and understand your point of view and believe me I did think about dropping out of school last fall both in those last few days before I had to leave and also during the semester. Unfortunately, there were other considerations too that I could not just walk away from. I don't come from a wealthy family. In fact I would say unlike a lot of my high school friend's families, we are probably lower middle class at best. My parents don't have college educations and have struggled mightily. My Dad worked sometimes two or three jobs doing things like working nights loading delivery trucks and things like that just to provide for our family and pay for me and my brother to go to catholic schools since the public school's suck where I grew up. They only wanted the best for us and the same opportunities as other kids from wealthier families. Me getting into and going to college was a huge deal in my family. I think one of my mom's sister's kids went to college and that was it in our family so far. We are a family only a generation removed from immigrating and of blue collar workers. A good job was something that you actually got benefits like working a union job on the assembly line. My parents wanted more than that for us. One of the only things that made it possible for me to go, along with financial aid and some money from my parents, was a partial scholarship that I received coming out of high school and based on certain criteria can maintain throughout my undergrad degree. However, one of the criteria along with keeping up grades above a 3.5 GPA and a moral clause, is that I cannot go part-time or take a semester off otherwise I forfeit my remaining scholarship. Believe me, I told Sara at the time that I did not care about any of that but she wouldn't hear anything of it. She wanted me to go back to school and make a better life for myself. She wouldn't have wanted it any other way and she really did tell me she wanted me to go on with my life and not hold on to the past. She wanted all of her friend's to live their lives and enjoy every moment. That was the kind of selfless person she was. Even in her final months she was more concerned with everyone else than with her and what she knew was coming. She had a kind of self deprecating, quirky sense of humor. Those last few months when you would start a conversation with "How are you doing?" She would come back with something like "Not dead yet." Just always trying to lighten the mood. Damn it, I'm crying again.
I am very sad to read the news although they were expected. After your last post in summer frequently my thoughts were with you and little Sara but I didn't dare to ask about her. I hoped that your love could bring a wonder and now I have to express my condolences with tears in my eyes. She was too young to go.
I know that you together with your parents and he mom, who are great, did everything to make Sara's last days as pleasant as possible. I am glad about that you could be there during her last moments and I am sure this was important for her too. You didn't do anything wrong and your decision to act responsibly to your parents was absolutly right. Our life is not a plate of sweeties from which we can pick only the best of it. This was Sara's wish also as you already wrote last summer.
You were and are very brave and I wish that the pain of your loss will decrease soon. Maybe a therapist could help you with that. Waking up in the night and still to have to recall the reality after three months sounds for me like you're suffering from a trauma. You are a young guy and of course your experience was very hard for you as it would be for everybody else. So you have no reason to be ashamed if you should consult professional help. Please think about it.
My best wishes for you, your parents and Sara's mom, who has lost her only child.
Wow, thank you so much for your kind words. People might find it odd that I would open up about something so personal here on this site, but it makes you realize that even a "community" such as ours on motherless, there are some really decent and kind people. I don't actively participate on any other websites so this is where I felt like I could be open and honest with my feelings and there would be no repercussions. I appreciate your advice about talking to someone professional. I actually have gone to the free student counseling center on campus and the person there I have talked to has been great and told me that all my feelings and actions are a completely normal response to my grief. Some of my friends here have told me I should just start dating or at least hooking up with other girls, and there are some I know that I know would be interested, but I just don't feel right doing it yet. Its weird but since Sara passed I don't really have much of a sexual appetite and have barely even taken care of myself so to say. I will come on here and look at videos and board posts and interact with others in chat or via messaging, but that's about it. Again, my counselor here said that was all normal and just give it time and also for me to not be afraid of interacting and getting close to another girl when the time is right. I have always been a realist and I know that the reality is that everyday it will get easier and then one day it just won't hurt anymore, but it still does for now.
