((continued))
The next day, neither of us mentioned it at all. I discovered we were both great at lying and acting, because we went through that whole day as if nothing had happened. For a while, I thought it was really a dream, because I couldn't believe otherwise. That night, when we got to the cabin my family rented for the week, our rooms were opposite each other. As our parents went to bed and we were also getting ready to sleep, I felt my heart starting to pound again as I considered mentioning it to her. I walked toward her room, stopping in the doorframe as she looked to me, giving me a small smile. Maybe I was only seeing what I wanted to see, but I swore that her smile was a clear indication that the night before was real. I just knew it. I cleared my throat and gripped the doorframe, bracing myself for what might have been the worst rejection of my life. I asked if she wanted a kiss goodnight. She smiled again, sat down on the edge of her bed, made a kissy-face and tapped her lips as an invitation. That night became a wonderful repeat of the night before, and I consider it to be what started our history together.
For the following year, we continued to kiss, make out, and cuddle at least once a week. We'd often make a daily habit of it, especially when our parents went to bed early. We had the good fortune of living in a fairly large house, and there were two rooms with thick walls between our bedrooms and our parents'. By the end of the year, we had gotten brave enough with each other to acknowledge how hard I was and how wet she was. She'd taken it upon herself to grind against me through our clothing, rubbing herself against my bulge as I felt her up. She would grind against me hard enough that I could tell she was getting stimulation from it, and by the third night of this, she had an orgasm. Prior to this, I was almost positive that she brought herself to orgasm after I left to go to sleep, just like I would. After crossing this line, it almost seemed like she was on a mission to cum every time. We'd kiss and grind until she'd orgasm, and I'd rush to the bathroom to finish myself off.
Then, one day as she was about to cum, I felt that I was also about to (I was normally a bit better about holding back, but I couldn't help it). I told her to stop, that I was too close, and that only encouraged her. She reached down to grab me through my boxers, jerking me until I came. For some reason, that moment seemed so much more taboo than even the night we began kissing. Cumming in front of my sister--with my sister--was just this hot, dark act that made me want to do it again immediately. I didn't even attempt to think about what I was saying before the words left me: "I want this for real. I want all of you." I couldn't bring myself to explicitly say "sex" or anything as graphic, but I knew she understood what I meant. I was so caught up in the fact that I was attempting to cross that final line, the one thing that would absolutely, definitely be "incest," I can't recall her exact response. I only remember that she agreed -- I think she just nodded with a big smile.
If you've read this far, I'm sure you want to hear every explicit detail of our sex. And perhaps you'll now hate me, but I don't want to describe it like that. Again, I'm not writing this for your or my enjoyment. I want to confess and recount our relationship. Besides, it's something I consider the most personal, emotional moment of my life, and sharing the scene would sort of devalue it for me. It was a moment between us, and that's one thing I'd like to keep only between us. But here are the details I think are important, and help contextualize it within my timeline:
- We had sex the very next night, on a couch in our basement where no one could hear.
- I used a condom. Obviously. (I'm not an idiot.)
- It was the first time for us both, so it was painful for her at first. Thankfully, she began to enjoy it soon thereafter.
- I didn't last very long. But we took 10 minutes afterward, cuddling and kissing, and I was ready for another go. The second time was not only relatively better, but downright amazing in its own right.
- I was so careful and meticulous in the way I got rid of the condoms, it was almost humorous. It could actually make for a good story on its own, but I don't intend for this to be a comedy... just trust me on this one.
The next day, I was so ecstatic I could barely hide it. Everyone said how I was in a good mood. All I could think about was what my sister and I shared. I loved our secret. It felt like she was my girlfriend, even if no one knew, and in a way that made it even better. But all day, even though I expected her to be good at hiding it, she just didn't seem as happy as I was. When the evening came around, I was so nervous to ask what she thought, I almost didn't ask at all. But I did, because I had to know. What followed was a long, depressing conversation about what we'd done and what we were doing. She had never really seemed to be bothered about it before, but apparently there was some guilt building up in her for a long time, and having sex just made her question everything. I tried to be understanding... I even felt similarly, but I didn't let it get to me. As much as I knew what we did was considered "wrong," I loved it and I loved her too much. Unfortunately, she just had too much going on in her head, and there was no way I was going to force her into anything.
As quickly as things had started, they seemed to end even quicker. We were still like best friends, still hung out, even still cuddled and said "I love you." But there was no kissing or anything beyond that. I wanted to more than anything, but I couldn't just do it unless she wanted to, and she made no attempt to show she wanted to. For most of the following year, things just had to very gradually settle into the way they were. I tried to accept that it was for the best, and that I'd just have to cherish my memories. I would be going to college soon enough anyway, and that was supposed to be a golden opportunity to move on with my life. I didn't want to think of my sister as "baggage," but that's what I told myself to move on emotionally.
I did move on, for the most part. I've had two girlfriends in the meantime, though they didn't last longer than a few months each. I have my circle of friends up at college, etc. I'd say the relationship with my sister has all but ended, but that wouldn't be entirely true.
This past May, when I came home for the summer, my sister seemed overly eager and excited for me to be home and to spend time with me. It was like her inhibitions just vanished. I assumed it was because she was starting college soon, so she wanted to savor our time together before things became even more complicated. Then, in the middle of July, I saw a note on my bed as I pulled off the sheets to go to sleep. It read, in her obvious handwriting (with hearts over the i's): "kiss me goodnight?" We resumed where we left off years ago, kissing through the night (no sex, just kissing and groping), almost every night since. I haven't asked why, because I'm afraid of messing things up. I'm assuming she'd sorted out what she wants. But whatever her reasons are, I can't explain how happy I am to have her back. Even if it's just for this summer, I love knowing that anything could be possible from here on in.
One last thing, to end on a happy note: I talked with my sister the other day about college plans, and where our lives are going, etc. I told her that I don't want to be a burden on her, and that I'll respect whatever she wants from me by the end of the summer. She asked me why we had to stop by the end of summer, saying that our schools were only an hour away from each other and that there are plenty of holiday breaks in the year.
