It's me. She made a move. I saw her on my second day of classes and, in front of everyone, right after I told her happy new year, she asked me if I would go with her to a club to practice speaking in English (I'm from Spain). I told her yes, of course. But right after she left my classmates made fun of me, they told something like she was really needed and that I should be doing this to fuck her. Fuck them, they can go to hell.
But at the same moment I cannot think that they are not right, I also think she's needed, I fear she could actually has thought I could be a great lover or something, a young boy who can give her lots of love and sex...
This Friday I'm going to that club with her, I don't know what could happen, I suppose we will just meet there, order a few drinks, talk about life and things, talk to someone else there and then just leave and go home. But maybe she wants to have a date with me and we just talk to each other, maybe she gets too close and starts acting like if we were lovers, you know, holding hands, dancing, maybe she tries to kiss me or she tells me she wants me to go to her house after... And I'm super scared.
I think I'm that kind of people that can't have sex for fun. I think I am only able to get into situation if I actually have feelings for that person. I don't know how it's called that but I know it exists. But at the same time, if she ever tries to kiss me I probably won't say no, and if she does that then I probably get hard instantly. Imagine if she touches my bulge or if she rubs her ass to me while dancing...
I will buy condoms and wax my body, I want to be prepared, but I don't want to make anything serious because it's something I feel that cannot have a future and probably will end badly, but at the same time I get super hard thinking of her, I am 30 and I am still a virgin, I feel like a loser for that and this is the best chance I would ever have (if she actually wants too).
I'm just super scared I can do something and then regret it for life, like if she thinks I'm her last chance to get pregnant or if she wants a serious relationship with me and starts to kissing me at the institute and then everyone laughs at me for being attracted to her... I always thought I'm ugly and I just can't think otherwise than she just wants me because she is so desperate that I am just okay to her, better than being alone, and at the same time I think I feel that same way to her.
If I ever had girls in my life then I would not see her hot, like nobody else, but I'm as desperate as her, probably much more, and that's why I see her so acceptable.
I am really sorry to her, I wish I was a better person and just had the guts to have a true relationship with her if that's what she wants, but I'm afraid I'm just a puppet in her hands right now and I will do what she wants me to do because I feel no respect to me and if she wants a boyfriend then I probably won't say no, but I will feel I'm doing wrong because it won't be sincere, just to end my loneliness and to lose virginity.
