Just a hunch...grief therapy..
There are some practitioners who can help a person reach beyond the anger and rage to what was lost and to grieve.
To grieve is to recall the joy of what was lost, before it was lost...and at the same time feel the deep sorrow of the loss...a balanced awareness off loss and its value.
The challenge is to create a situation where you would not need to be violent to be seen or understood. What you described in V.... was, in part, a rage to demonstrate to your abuser what the pain of abuse can be like, by proxy of his vulnerable child.
The abuse or grief worker can provide you with ways of being seen and understood that short-circuit this need to act-out for understanding.
Also...a circle of men might be helpful...guys you can tell your shit to, who are committed to hear you without judgment, and respond only to your emotional issues.
Whomever you see, nobody can fix you, they can only lead you to the places you need to go to heal the wounds of your loss and to connect more deeply and compassionately with yourself and others.
