I'll be honest, that's the sort of brutal, she's not a person, use-me-as-your-fucktoy shit I wanted out of this post. Don't be nice to me: degrade me and HURT me! I know it's totally fucked up, but it helps me process my trauma and it turns me on so let me have it!
And yes, I am already going to therapy, but this is what I need right now.