Look, I was where you are two and a half years ago. My whole life was shit, I had pissed it all away and there was no way it was going to get any better. For a couple/few weeks I was nothing but a ball of anxiety and depression, trying to figure out the best way to die. When I settled on my method--which I have not shared and will not--I knew that I was either going to do it or get help.
Everything isn't rosy now, but it's a hell of a lot better than it was then. I saw a social worker at a local clinic, told her I was depressed, waited for her to ask if I was suicidal and admitted it, knowing I would be hospitalized. It was a long time before I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. But before I saw it, once my trained "helpers" as my Social Worker called them, helped me through the crisis with meds and a therapeutic environment, I accepted the mere possibility that there COULD be a light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't see it then, and I didn't know where it was, what it would look like or how on earth I would ever get there.
But I knew that the chances of anything good ever happening were zero if I was too dead to know the difference. As long as I lived, the mere possibility of improvement down the road was an infinitely brighter prospect than the mere cessation of misery hoped for from death. You only get one shot at this. If you're not happy with where your life is or is going, change it. Live Life or DIE TRYING. DON'T throw away the ONLY chance you have because so far you haven't figured out how to get out of the shit. Because if you give in, game over, no reroll.
Call 911, tell them you need help because you're depressed out of your mind and you want to die. That choice alone is the first step to taking control of the rest of your life. It might have been the first good choice I made in my whole life. Once I was hospitalized, they put me on meds and I got a decent sleep for the first time in months.... most of every day for the first week. Then it's just one step at a time building a better understanding of how YOU really can CHOOSE to make your life better.
Not only is there a light at the end of the tunnel, once you get the big picture, you see that it's MOSTly light. The tunnel only LOOKs cold and dark and infinitely long from where you are now... that isn't going to make sense to you right now, sounds like blowing smoke up your ass... you don't have to believe or accept or understand what I mean by that. Just realize that you have a choice to make. The most important choice of your life.
You can choose to accept that there probably is some kind of light at the end of the tunnel, even if you don't know what it looks like or how you're going to get there. That there are people who will help you once you ask for it.
Or you can choose to give up this incredible opportunity, this vast crazy roller coaster miracle of life, the only one you'll ever have. Give up any possibility of experiencing joy, pleasure, contentment, ecstasy, cheerfulness, calmness, happiness, ebullience, liberation, validation, love, lust or anything worth experiencing, all because you're in a shitty place, and it's hard to see anything but shit from that shitty place. Just to be rid of the boredom or sadness or loneliness or hurt or anger or fear of failure, fear of success, whatever miseries seem right now to so overwhelm your senses. Get some help, you can get past the misery and start appreciating the small doses of awe that make life worth living.
LIVE LIFE OR DIE TRYING
NEVER GIVE UP
