I know I don't know exactly what you're going through, but when I was 18 (I'm 33 now)I went a little crazy and wanted to kill people just like you. I used to fantasize about it all the time, I even masturbated to the idea of it. Also, just like you, I didn't want to do it out of respect/love of my family. I knew they would never be able to deal with it and I didn't want to tarnish my family name because of these grotesque images that played out in my head. Even to this day, the first cold front of autumn will sometimes give me flashbacks of that period in my life when all I wanted was to see the world suffer, and honestly, myself as well.
Eventually I came to realize that the world is full of assholes. It is full of miserable, selfish people that think nothing of anyone else, and I didn't want to be like them. The sickness is a symptom of society. Things are so very wrong in this world. Trying to follow the "correct path" and do what is expected of you can make a monster out of the most descent human being (of which we are in short supply of).
The trick is, you have to find your own way. Do your own thing. You don't have to grow old and be miserable because you chose not to indulge your sickest desires. If you look deep within that 15% of yourself, you may find that there is a part of you that just needs to come to the surface so that you can embrace it. It may make you different and it may make you stand out from the crowd (you'll lose the innocent facade that you've been projecting) but it will also liberate you and you can finally become the person who can look himself in the mirror and not feel ashamed/suffocated. You may be different, but you will finally be free. And all those who love you will eventually embrace the new you, and you can finally love yourself and ALL others, no matter what pieces of shit they may be.
There is an old American Indian story where a young boy is talking to his grandfather and the grandfather tells him that inside every person, there is a Light Wolf and a Dark Wolf who are constantly fighting. When the young boy asks who will win, the grandfather replies, "The one that you feed."
Don't give up, don't give in, and always remember, Sinners make the best Saints. Good luck to you. I hope to not hear about you in the future.
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26 Apr 2013 9:03PM
