I don't know where you live, but dude, I'd seriously see if there were a local mental health resource center in your area and see about free help. This isn't an insult and unlike much advice on here, is totally honest and for your own benefit. You admit you have problems... a serious first step in getting help, even if it is because you love another person (this girl), who keeps you centered... and you want to see her happy and so on. Your own problems make you think you can't do it and she's too good for you, but why not? With help you could be that one, you've already admitted the problems, so try and find any resource you can to fix them...why? She still comes around, which shows she cares for and about you... maybe not in the same way you do, but enough she probably knows she is helping and does it for this reason.
Another reason is simply for yourself and her benefit as well..have you ever thought what would happen if she were not there? What if she found someone else who made her happy and such? Would you be able to step completely away without interfering or would that end up causing you to become worse? Help may be the difference between stepping away in a healthy manner or one of those guys who end up losing it and killing her and then themselves ( an actual very slight chance, but within the realm of possibilities)... but mainly, get help for yourself.
As I said admitting their is a problem is the first true sign of an ability to fix it.... many people spend years in counseling before reaching such and a point, which you already have... and until that point is reached, no real help can happen. Please, seek out these places for help.. many states have free programs for such and get the help you need to avoid any snapping and you may just discover that you can be with the one you love always and be the person to make and keep her happy.
Replies 2
OP here - She's told me countless times, she's into way crazier and kinkier stuff than i could imagine, save watersports and fecal matter related things.
almost everything im fine with, aside from probably putting stuff up MY ass, i tried, not into it.
I'd told her all the stuff i was into, she'd rattle off a few other things, there wasnt anything she'd bring up that'd made me say no.
the first time we had started doing, whatever it was we did, we fooled around some but no sex. i was a virgin at the time, so i was one of those "i need to lose my V card" or i was convinced that i needed to.
so i would, from time to time, get touchy and push my luck. over time thats all it turned into, and i regret it to this day, was more of a physical nature.
there was a fight about 7-8 months into it, wont get into details, but she tore my heart out, chewed it up and threw it away. i was down in the dumps for a solid 2 years.
but not once did i wish her bad. in fact, about once a week i would just pray to any and all gods that i would live a life of hell, if she could live a life of happiness.
i will say it all, is this not confessions?.
if she were not there? how do you mean? if she died? i would lose it.
if she found someone else that makes her happy? id would befriend him or her, make sure they're good enough to be hers.
as for stepping completely away and not interfering, i have done that.
I was hanging out with her when she and her ex started dating.
i knew the kid for a bit in high school, i always thought he was maybe gay,
but for sure a metrosexual. nothing against either, just an observation,
he seemed to like to talk to a lot of girls, im not much of a player (hell, im not),but it
didnt seem like he was getting more ass than a toilet seat(over used analogy but it fits).
i digress, he seemed alright and she was strong enough (or so i thought) to straighten him out.
they got engaged, i ran into them at the movies one time and i seen the rings on both their hands... i will admit, i didnt even make it home before i started bawling (crying) like a baby.
about a year or two later they had a child together, i am a firm believer the whole "family unit" thing, woman and man have a child together stay together forever raising their child and what not. BUT i am not opposed to the idea of being a step-dad, i was raised the exact same way to be honest.
she said, i wasn't enough for her. and while i still love her and want her to be happy, my enjoyment and contentment comes from knowing she's happy and content.
I am happy, so long as she is happy.
if it should ever come to the point where i can stand to harm her, i have a vivid picture in my mind of how my father was (abusive to women and everything i never wanted to be), i would sooner off myself.
i was on the edge, she told me that she was hurt because he had just broken up with her ex.
in my mind im thinking, my shit doesnt matter right now, i need to make sure she's alright before i can finish my 'episode'. she's more important.
im not on the edge because of her, im stepping back from the edge because i NEED to make sure she's ok.
OP here- i've taken your advice, im currently in the process of admitting myself into a rehabilitation clinic, for the sake of my sanity and her safety.
i was thinking about it, what would happen if im still like this, and i get upset at work?
nothing too pretty would come from that.
making sure i have my sanity, so i can make sure she is safe from me, at least.
