I have a confession to make. Growing up, I have been sexual abused and have done it to others. I've been in therapy on and off and I feel as if no progress has been made to help get over it. Within the past 2 months I've had a fantasy of rapying my niece, being caught in the act, being trialed, and telling my brother "COME AT ME YOU FUCKING MOLESTING BITCH ASS BRO, COME AT ME BITCH." My brother molested me around age 7, as well as others. When I think about my life, I can see the affects of it. It's still affecting me. I put in a request to go in therapy to help me get over it but in the past, I don't really feel much different from when i started. Actually, it's been getting worse. At age 14, when I first started noticing signs, I was beginning to be sexual attracted to younger girls. The young girls i prefer are from ages 5-12. At first i was appalled at my thoughts but as time went on, it became harder and harder to fight those thoughts to the point of where i just gave up and just let them go on in my head. I've molested some people before before I turned 13 and haven't done it since (I'm 18). When I did it, I wasn't too damn sure of what I was doing. These urges have gotten me to do some illegal things. Nothing physical but it is still illegal and I just want my thoughts, urges, attractions to disappear.
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I can only speak for myself. When I had a alcohol problem, I turned to folks who suffered from the same problem as myself, alcohol. I found it amazing that others experienced the same things as I, and was even more amazed that I was able to freely talk about why I drank, and listen to how others recovered from this disease. You have, for the most part, admitted that you have this problem, which is the first step and now you must find like minded people that can share how they relieved themselves of these thoughts, and actions. There are not many out there that will openly admit to this, however, with this media you may have just opened the door. Good luck with your efforts, and know this! I understand you and its not your fault.
First of all, do no harm. Try to keep it that way. Let that be a foundation of dignity and hope.
That might help.
i was molested for the first time at age 5 by my birth father, then at age 8 my stepfather started. my birth father was all forced oral. my stepfather went all the way, oral,anal,forced with family, and shared me with his buddies. im 41 now,married,job,kids,and a good life. those thoughts you talk about are in my mind everyday. even when it all stopped at 12yrs old i started with those same thoughts and fears. you can over come it.
Fucking damn, I'm sorry that you gotten all that shit. Make me feel kind of happy that I got taken away and shit didn't go that far with me. Anyway, it kind of scares me to think that those thoughts can still be lingering around in your head even after all that time and that you have a family. How do you deal with it?
You are probably always going to have those desires, but you don't have to act on them. See if you can find a shrink you can talk to anonymously, you will have to pay in cash but it's the only way to be sure he won't get all moral and turn you in to the cops (actually it doesn't ensure that, but it makes it much harder).
