This will be a long confession, so if you do not have the time, just skip it.

I am 41, divorced, and I am currently in the sexual relationship of my dreams... or nightmares, I cant decide.

I married young, straight out of high school. He was my colleague, and my first real bf. I didnt have almost any sexual experiences in hs, since I was ugly, I had a big acne vulgaris problem, and I was desperate. Desperate to that extent that, my only "sexual" experience was, when at this party, senior year (we were both 18 at the time), this guy flat out told me he wants his dick sucked tonight, and I did it. That was the extent of male attention I got.

So, my husband was the first man who gave me any attention. My acne problem has started to withdraw a bit, after many, many sessions of therapy, and I was over the moon. He was my man, my perfect man, a man who loves me, who came to my aid, a man who I will share my life with. Sadly, after a few years of trying, we found out I am unable to get pregnant. He told me that it doesnt matter, that he loves me, but became distant over time, and eventually, started to hate me, so we divorced.

I was 24 when I got left alone, again. I was on a verge of self distruction - my life had no meaning. Those were some dark times, I thought about leaving everything and becoming a nun, or even to do the worst - harm myself.

Luckily, I got some therapy, and things started picking up, one thing at the time. I learned how to love myself, the way I am, and started doing little things, to make my life better. I became a fitness freak, dedicating my body to that goal, started eating healthy, and that really changed my own perception of myself. I started noticing male looks at the gym, and that pleased me. Over time, I have come to realize, that my body was "hot" even before I started my transformation. New found self esteem came rushing through my body.

Life was good, except, I was still alone. If I hadnt started masturbating very young, I would have thought that I was some kind of a frigid witch, since, my sex life with my ex husband, didnt really bring anything good in that department. Resolved to work on myself, I have totally abandoned the idea of a new love, or even a pure sexual relationship - this site is just one of few places I have visited over the years, while searching for a thrill, a fantasy, but being just too scared to pursue anything real, in life.

Now, when I come to think of it, there wasnt even a chance for me to meet someone, my life was work, gym, and home. I detected some flirts along the way, but I guess I was just too closed (or gave off that impression), that nothing came of it.

Until I met him. It was a year ago. He is ten years younger, single, good looking, and to be honest, when he started flirting, I was thinking something like "is this guy making fun of me". But he wasnt, he was, and still is very much into me.

As I have written here before, I was closed to the idea of meeting someone, but he was very charming, and adamant, to make this work.

He took me on my very first date, after more than 15 years. We had sex that night, and, oh my loving god, it was amazing!!!

We were like rabbits, doing it all day, every day. I wanted to make sure to catch up on everything I have missed in the previous life, so my world started revolving around sex. My orgasms were real, hard, tremor hard, I wanted to do everything for him.

And he is such a passionate lover, always finds a way for me to get even further, to cum harder, to enjoy every inch of his body, and mine too.

Now we are finally getting to the bottom of this story.

His favorite position is, when I am on top, he told me, since, it is the easiest one for me to get off. He started playing with my anus, when I am on top, and close to cumming. That made me shake like a rabbit.

Then, he started putting his finger in, positioning it so that, when I go down on his cock, I go down on his finger (one at start, later two fingers), making me choose the pace, and depth. It was getting so intense, that I felt that was the sexiest thing ever, made me want him to get in there.

But he wasnt, he would just do it, and one time, he pulled his fingers out, spread my cheeks wide, so I could feel I was gaping back there, and he whispered (you need a cock in there). I was still riding him, close, really close to cumming, so I just yelled for him to put it in, but he pulled me close to him, and grunted "you need a cock in your ass while I make love to you"... That was the hardest orgasm I ever had. I swear to god, I think I even passed out for a second there.

So, this game of ours, evolved, from but plugs, to smaller dildos, to eventually, big ones. This combo was, and still is, the best thing I ever did, and I am quite sure that it is the hottest thing one can do in sex. Eventually, in one of these steamy sessions, through the lust, he told me that "I need a real deal".

After we both cooled off, I wanted to talk about, but I wasnt sure, if he was serious. He was. He has a friend (I know him), who is pretty much his confidence, and they even had some threesome experience together in college...

Now, me, from five, ten, fifteen years ago, this prude unsure woman, would never agree to this, but now... I said yes in an instant.

First time was a disaster. All three of us were feeling weird, he came from a blow job, and couldnt get it up afterwards.

Second time we decided to get a few drinks to loosen up, and it worked, but again, as soon as he got into me, he came, my bf came, and I was the only one that didnt.

But, the third time it worked. And the forth, and fifth...

Now, the three of us are having sex once a week (at one period of time, we did it five times in one week), and it is amazing.

Now comes the tricky part - I am quite sure that this arrangement will have to end at one point. I saw the cracks in my bf. I have entered all of this, as his idea, with an open mind. So, last month, when they came to my home, and I got my period while showering, he was mad. Not, because I told him that, but because I offered to give them a bj. I did it, but I could see he was feeling off about it. Tried talking to him, he brushed it off, but I see it is not that way. Since I felt jealousy, I proposed to him for us to end it, he said no, again, he is fine.

Only, he is not, and I feel that I will lose him.

So, I am at this cross road, should I continue this, while aware what is going on, or should I be determined to end this threesome thing, trying to save our relationship, and most importantly, will I save it, or is it beyond repair?

These questions in the end are more rhetorical, I just needed to get this off my chest. In the end, decision is on me.