First of all, I'm sorry about the length. Brevity is usually my strength, but I don't think I can hold back here. You don't have to read it; this is just to kind of organize my thoughts a little. Bravo if you actually read all of it though :P.

I've never told anyone everything before, it's all been bits and pieces between anyone who cared enough to ask. Anyway, I remember a time when I was an innocent little boy, oblivious to the world. I'd lie, cheat, steal, fight, sabotage, and occasionally attempted to commit acts of arson (needless to say I wasn't the nicest kid around :D). I wasn't at the top of the pecking order, but I definitely wasn't near the bottom either.

I don't remember how it began, but somehow my life completely collapsed when I was in my early teens (I think). I became severely depressed, so now in addition to my brilliant qualities of lying, cheating, stealing, I was also antisocial and suicidal. I really hated myself. If I wasn't such a coward I probably wouldn't be here still. I persisted until I was 17 or so, when I was just half a year from university. I realized then that I really had a problem, and that I should do something about it. See, all this time I was leading a double life; I tried my best to appear normal in front of the other kids and my parents, but I'd break down when I was alone - and I always wanted to be alone. Depression's a vicious cycle - you wonder why you don't have any real friends, yet you seek loneliness, pushing away anyone who tries to come close.

So I made a rule that if anything that made me depressed, I would think of at least one positive thing that came with it. If I really struggle to think of anything, a simple 'well, it taught me not to do that stupid thing again' would be acceptable too. The focus isn't really on the positive thing itself - the focus is on getting the mind to think positively, about the good things, not the negative ones as you'd be prone to do if you're in a depressed mindset. At this point in time I made a vow to myself that once I was out of the hell I was in that I would help others like me. That thought kept me going along with that difficult process. Surprisingly, by the time I began university I had progressed so much that I was actually feeling happiness again. It took me a further 2 or 3 years to fully get over the depression that had plagued me the past 6 or 7 years - by which time I had a whole new set of problems...

Actually, allow me to go back to my high school days. There was a girl in my class (I won't name names). I can barely remember what she looked like. She kept to herself mostly, sitting there alone on the one side of the classroom. One day an announcement came on while classes had just started. She had done the unthinkable. It's been so long now that I struggle to remember it, but I must remember. She had given me motivation to go on, and besides, someone has to remember her. I owe so much to the girl, even though we've never even had a conversation together. Then again, actions speak louder than words, right? She made me realize that there are others out there ravaged by depression, not just me. During my last 3 years at university (I took 5 years because I switched into psychology late), I came to the conclusion that I should dedicate my life to helping people - not just with depression, but other things as well. I figure I owe my life to the idea that one day I'll make others happy, that I might as well just spend the rest of my life trying to do as much as I can. I owe that lovely girl my life too, I feel like she sacrificed herself to turn me into the person I am today. I still regret so much for not taking time to talk to her. I often wonder what might have happened if I took any one of the dozen chances I've had to be friends with her. Could I have saved her life? Actually that brings me to where I am right now, 23, unemployed, and fresh out of university. I've turned over a new leaf. I try to be nice to everyone, do nothing that would make another living being suffer, and definitely no more dishonesty.

However, I find it extremely difficult to get started in doing what I want to do. I'm still looking for a job to start paying off some of my student loans, even if it's just entry level stuff. I've been looking for a LONG time, and I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. My goal is to eventually receive a master's in social work, then do social work while volunteering on the side. I'd use as much money as I need to live fairly comfortably and give all the rest to charity or individuals in need. I have a few leads for volunteering right now, so I might do that, but the job situation is still a big deal. I hope I can find one fairly soon. As for the social work degree, I don't know if I have the grades to be accepted. I have a B average, so it would be difficult considering it's just the bare minimum for most graduate schools. Furthermore, when I do actually get my degree and get a job, I don't think I'll have time for anything else. Between taking time for work and volunteer, I don't even think I will be able to have a dog, much less a family. It's sad because even though I've always had my doubts about having a family, I always thought I would get a puppy and teach him to be the best dog ever. It's also sad because I do think about what it would like to have kids and raising them to grow up to be Nobel prize winners :D. Because of this, I have been avoiding relationships going past the friend phase, and rejecting any women who were bold enough to say they like me. I always feel bad about that, but they don't have any ideas of what I have planned, and I just want to save them from that fate. Who whould want a man who's never home and gives away all his money? I also haven't told my parents about this yet. How would I tell them? This is worse than telling them I'm gay, because at least then I could still adopt kids and get married and be happy. No, this is going to be terrible for them. Added is the fact that not only am I the only child, but my parents aren't even originally from this country (Canada), so not only would I be cutting our line, I'd undo the fact that my parents came here in the hopes that me and the generations after would be better off. Well, that just might not happen. So, basically it comes down to what should I go for now, my dreams - what I thought I owed my life to, or my own happiness? Either way I'll have to give up a lot. For now I figure if I'll be regretting about something anyway, I might as well do the thing that will bring the most good - making as many people happy as I can.

If anyone's still reading (who knows, there might be one or two of you), I urge you to do something good in the next 24 hours. Give a good friend a gift out of the blue - they'll be happy, and you'll feel good. Maybe donate some money to a charity. If you're going to a bar, buy some random person a drink. And always have hope, even if it seems hopeless. Nothing good ever came out of feeling hopeless. If you're a good and decent person you can accomplish just about anything you want. Thanks for listening to my ramblings :).