Happy Saint Patricks day!!! Saint Patrick's Day, or the Feast of Saint Patrick (Irish: Lá Fhéile Pádraig, "the Day of the Festival of Patrick"), is a cultural and religious celebration held on 17 March, the traditional death date of Saint Patrick ( c. AD 385–461), the foremost patron saint of Ireland. To most Americans just the day of the year when we get drunk, wear green, and pinch each other.

wow that Glen Beck has got be the biggest asshole on the planet...first he acts all holier than thou by saying how petty it was of Americans to be out celebrating about the death of Bin laden...fuck you Mr Beck !! then he fake cries when he's reading the names of the solders who gave their lives fighting in the war on terror. what a bunch of brain-dead idiots his fans must be...laff hard Mr Beck, it's a long way to the bank

Celebrity deaths are an insatiable market for venture capitalists and those alike. I strongly urge those who seek prosperity to invest into the new Amy Winehouse death market. $$$$$ just around the corner, I guarantee.

"Why do you have a joker tatted on you?" I asked one slow afternoon, while we were in the walk-in fridge together.
" Cause I'm fuckin' crazy." He replied, with a devilish grin on his face. He left me in the walk-in, his voice echoing in my mind. Why would he say that? Was he really crazy or was he just sparking my mind? Honestly, he made me hella nervous.
Weeks go by and there is friction.Everyone in the restaurant notices it.Our co-workers were merciless. My smile is contagious they said, like a "Death Trap" for unsuspecting men, and he had been caught in it. His blue eyes had an equally devestating effect. Everyday i would find a reason to talk to him, to smile at him, to make him notice me. i would go to smoke a cigarette and he would follow me.He would ask questions; where i came from, why i was here of all places, and why i was so nice. No one had ever taken notice to me the way he did. I didnt know what it felt like to be persued by a man and it made me uneasy.
A couple more weeks go by. The flirting continues and to top it all off, a work party is planned. Everyone that was cool would be there, or at least 'cool' in this life. Which meant that everyone who was there would be smoking pot and getting schwasted on cheap vodka. I was the youngest one, the lightweight, the grasshopper of partyers. I had a feeling that something unpleasant was in the realm of possibilities. One shot, two shots....five shots, seven, eleven...fifteen shots later. I go outside for some fresh air and im followed.
" You okay?", He said with a drunken look of concern on his face.
"Yeah dude, I just need some air. I think i may have drank a little too much." I say as i smoke a cigarette, trying to ease my stomach by leaning on the balcony railing. I feel a pat on my head and the door opens then closes. He's gone. I can hear him telling others that im fine, that i said i'd be in after a while. I didnt say that, but i appreciated the extra time to gather myself.
We're all playing poker, the night is bits and pieces thanks to the alcohol. He touches my hand.We're sitting on the floor around the coffee table taking shots.Laughing. Hoping that no-one else notices that our bodies are touching. He grabs my hand and squeezes it. I squeeze back. He smiles at me, brushes his hand across my cheek when i smile back, and lightly pokes at my dimple. I look in his eyes.The deepest eyes I've ever gazed into. The only eyes that i've ever become lost in. The only eyes that have ever left me absolutely breathless. I get nervous, suddenly im possessed with something, and i feel that i know what to do.
I lean in and kiss him. Our lips are soft against eachother. It's like electricity starting at my lips, travelling through my body, waking up my soul. We kiss and time stops. The world slows its turning, the moment is cherished, remembered even in its happenning. As his lips left mine, i knew they would be missed.Not just in the future, but in the moment as well.
And that's how it started, the end of my life. We used to tell eachother thats what happens when a tornado meets a volcano. We knew it would end in disaster, but it just felt so right. We were best friends.Lovers. We were stupid.

***

It's seven o'clock and im waiting for him.We have mondays off and decided to go to dinner and a movie. He has a girlfriend and i know its wrong, but i cant help it. He gets called into work so i wait.it feels like forever.My window blinds are open in my bedroom.Sitting on my bed reading a book i get a text. " You ready :)"

" Well how about Taco Bell dude?" , i had to ask.It was on the way to his house and i dont know why he would want to take me to a sit down restaurant anyways. Scary movies and some fast food.That was us.I wasn't hard to please and neither was He. We make our order, get our food, and head to his house. Getting off of work late had ruined dinner plans and he was kind of on edge.
I was nervous too.The drive to his house seemed so long, when i didnt know my way around town yet. In reality, it was only about fifteen miles from my house. Sure he wasnt a stranger, but in that moment, riding into a dark, heavily wooded area seemed creepy as shit. He relaxed me.Holding my hand, talking about how he hated work and how glad he was that i was with him. We see lights behind us.
"Do you know why i pulled over Mr. Uh Walton?", the State Trooper asked.Tall and gankly, he shined the flashlight into the car. I smile and wave with a Taco bell drink in my hand. He smiles back nodding his head in my direction.
"Your rear light is out, you should get that fixed.It's obvious your just tryin' to make it home.Ya'll have a good night." Mr.Piggy says, handing Him back the license and insurance.
"You're like my good luck charm.If i had been by myself, i woulda went to jail.Haha.Im ready to smoke a joint now." He says driving back onto the road. " We're not too far from my house, just a few hundred feet."

Inside the trailer was nice.It looked like a home. Not just a house decorated to perfection. We walk past the kitchen where his mom is cooking, into his room. I knew he lived with his parents, so i wasnt surprised. We had talked a lot about eachothers lives the past few weeks and were eager to hang out again outside of work.
Halfway through one of the scary movies we argued over zombies and aliens; he kissed me again. I was shy and hadn't tried to make any moves. Laying on his chest i could feel his heart beating in my ear, it was like a war drum. I look up into the ink blotts and surrendered. He cups my face in his hand and sneaks his tongue into my mouth. Im startled, not expecting much from the date in general. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss back. I feel like i've reached nirvana. Entangled in eachother, pulling into one another. I wanted to be close to Him.

He's shaking. I can feel his body quake. He's looking in my eyes and i feel violated. I feel like he can see right into me. He could read my mind if he really wanted to, he looked at me like he knew me so well. Writhing naked underneath him, he kisses me. He kisses me hard and soft, slow and fast. I cant keep my breath, i cant keep up. His skin is silky against mine.Our bodies could make flames with the pace we set, but we flow like water beside eachother. He touches my face and asks me if im okay. I reply with a bite, sure of my abilities.I was wrong. He was causing chaos and i realize i'm in over my head.It's a roller coaster of static under my skin and im on fire. Pulling him closer with my leg's embrace, i tell him im ready.
He gasps and digs deeper . I feel his lust through out my body, making my legs shake and my body rock. His body is solid against my softness and i tense against his pounding. The air is hot and sticky sweet. It was waves of euphoria with flashes of madness. He collapses on top of me and kisses my neck.
"I hope i didn't hurt you," He says while lighting two cigarettes. " I've just needed to touch you for so long.I was nervous.You're beautiful." He kisses my forehead, smiles, and licks my nipple. He is an astonishing specimen of the human male. We've just started off, and im scared. Scared of what i feel and how to not show it. i take a long drag from my cigarette and i smile.i touch his face.
"That was awesome. High five." I breathe out.Lifting my hand to meet his into the traditional High Five. He drives me home and he holds my hand the whole way. He tells me he wants to do everything right so we can be together. That he has to get 'some things' squared away.I know he's talking about his girlfriend.I feel bad, i feel sorry for her. Most of all i knew i would end up just like her.

We both have work tomorrow.I'm thinking of how im going to hide the ginormous smile when i walk into the building. I sleep on it, preparing myself for the shit people will say. My phone buzzes, I havent even taken off my shoes yet. " Ur awesome. have a good nite. ;)" I reply with a happy face and go to sleep.

" Oh my god, you fucked him didnt you?!" Amy yells from across the back of the restaurant.
I immediately blush and turn to put my purse away. I go straight to my register and clock in. I look through the main window and my heart flutters. He's parked in front of the restaurant and walking towards the front door, staring right at me.Smiling while taking a hit of his cigarette. He flicks it onto the sidewalk, exhales, and opens the door. I freeze, half smiling but screaming inside. He walks past me, winks, and clocks in. Amy stands next to me as i package cheese and pepper packets.We look out the window, avoiding eye contact, trying not to laugh.
Finally, she bursts, "How was it? Is he good? how big was his dick? did it last long?"
I laugh and tell her i dont know what she's talking about.She's not convinced.She knows we had sex.Everyone does.They can tell by the way we're playfully avoiding eachother.I could never live down the fuck-on-the-first-date jokes. I didnt care what they said.I was drowning in this man and i didnt want to be saved.

We would text every day, all day if we could.I would spend the night at his house after late nights at work. We would party with his brothers, my brother too. Everything fit just right. We were craving to be closer to eachother.To be able to see eachother more often. We went to parks on our off days, walked on trails, climbed trees, and rode swings. He was the Yin to my Yang.I was grateful for him, i adored him.
The next time we had a date night, i rented a hotel room. It felt so nice to sleep next to him and not be bothered.We didnt have to worry about someone knocking on the door or being seen naked. I told Him i loved him and he didnt say it back. He said he couldnt say it without feeling fair to me.My eyes tear up and he grabs my face.
"That doesnt mean i dont love you babe, it just means i cant say it without it being all the way right." He whispers.I can barely hear him, but it felt like he was yelling at me.He is all i've ever wanted in a mate.He's everything and then some, he had already stolen my heart.He wasn't even mine.We held eachother, unsure of what to say next.We fall asleep and the next day he said it was done, that he wanted me to be his and him to be mine.I was thrilled, in the pit of me, i felt a darkness.
It was Valentines Day and i was driving to his house.We're going to dinner and then getting a room. The chinese food was great.He opened doors and pulled out chairs just as he always did.I would always tell him to stop but he wouldnt.He was a gentleman most of the time.We were ready to be alone again.Driving up to the hotel i tell him its the first time ive celebrated a pointless holiday. He laughs and says, "its only going to get better."
We're in the room and he's drinking orange crush with whipped vodka. I have a small drink, but im not much for alot of alcohol.I pull out a small bag.We both take our ecstacy and begin to drink more. For us, drugs and sex were meant to go together.It just feels so amazing when the effects are at the peak, as well as our bodies.We're coming as close as we can.Skin slick with sweat and alcohol. Im numb, i can feel everything, my heart is racing. I let out a moan as he presses deeper into me. I roll through a wave and cum at the same time.He thrusts stronger, telling me he loves me, commanding me to cum for him.
" i want you to cum hard for me babe.you want me to make it hurt, you want it?" he whispered in my ear with his hand around my throat.He pressed lightly, feeling my pussy clench in reaction to his power. I whined a 'Fuck Yes' and he hammered into me. The rush sweeps over me again and my legs spasm. He bites my pierced nipple and i squeal. He makes my whole body twitch, he enjoys watching me in painful lust underneath him.I give all of myself to him. He can have me any way he wants.
"Oh fuck." I exhale when he lets his hand go. The black was slowly taking over my vision, his release was perfectly timed. He pulls out and brings his cock close to my face. I take him into my mouth, sucking off our sex.
He gives me a playful tap on the cheek with the tip and begins kissing me.Licking my neck, down to my chest, sucking my nipples.My insides feel like lava.He begins to bite down to my stomach, dipping his tongue in my belly button, kissing til he reaches my pussy.
He slips his tongue between my lips, lightly stroking my clit. My honey leaks onto his tongue and he slurps it up. He sucks my clit and pushes his middle finger into my pussy and his pinky into my ass. The nerve confusion sets me off, his hand is dripping, and im rocking against his face. He flicks his tongue back and forth, my hips swaying with the motion of his mouth. I feel him force another finger inside my pink and i squirm to make room.
"you're so tight babe, i love the way you taste.ride my face." He compliments then demands.Im in love with him.He's strong but passionate.He is my other half.I roll over onto his face and begin to ride him.I grind against his tongue slowly, building up tension.Rolling my body to the rhythm of the SIlversun Pickups playing in the back ground. He grabs my ass cheeks, squeezes them and slaps. I look down into his eyes and press my pussy harder on his face.He's smiling, watching my face pout, then smile, slapping my tits and pulling at my nipples. He focuses his energy on my clit.Flicking and turning, cradling the pearl on his tongue.i shake, i say his name, i scream and collapse. He's perfect.He kisses me, pulls me off of him and holds me tight.

I found this on the internet today and thought I would share it with you. Sadly I'm not aloud to post where I stole it from, however you can always google.

10 Bizarre Sex World Records

1
World's Largest Penis (13.5 inches - 34.2 cm)

World's Largest Penis (13.5 inches - 34.2 cm)
Jonah Falcon, an American actor and writer, has been reported as having the World's Largest Penis with 9.5 inches (24.13 cm) in length when flaccid and 13.5 inches (34.29 cm) when erect.

Falcon has identified himself as a bisexual and works as a gaming blog editor. He gained media attention after appearing in a 1999 HBO documentary, a Rolling Stone Magazine article, a documentary by UK Channel 4 called "The World's Biggest Penis," and The Daily Show.

He was offered to enter the pornography industry but refused, saying it would be "just the easy way out... it's not going to help my legit acting career."

In 2012, he was stopped and frisked by the TSA at the SF Airport due to the large bulge in his pants. After passing through a metal detector and a body scanner, the world's largest dick was selected for additional screening, then finally released.

2
World's Largest Vagina (19 inches - 48.26 cm)

World's Largest Vagina (19 inches - 48.26 cm)
The World's Biggest Vagina most likely belonged to Scottish giantess Anna Swan (1846-1888), a remarkable woman who set a number of records relating to her bulk. Born normally sized, she began growing at a prodigious rate in childhood, finally reaching a maximum height of 7' 8" at age 19. Capitalizing on her huge size, she joined a side show and toured the country, where she met and fell in love with Captain Martin Bates, another giant who measured over 7 feet tall. They wed in 1872, making them the tallest married couple in the world, a record that still stands today. The couple settled down into married life, built a mansion filled with enormous furniture, including an 11' by 7' bed where they consummated their union. On June 18, 1879, she gave birth to the largest baby in history, weighing 26 lbs. and 34 inches in length—so large, in fact, that it became tightly wedged in her capacious tract, only extricated by the use of forceps and belts. The child did not survive the rigors of birth, but a cast was made, still on display at the Cleveland Museum of Health. Generally the largest part of an infant is the head. We know that the tyke's cranium measured about 19 inches (48.26 cm) in circumference, hence we compute the minimum dilation of Swan's passage as 6 inches, or just over 15 cm. That's pretty wide—the normal dilation for childbirth is 10 cm.

3
World's Most Prolific Mother (69 babies)

World's Most Prolific Mother (69 babies)
Feodor Vassilyev (1707-1782), was a peasant from Shuya, Russia. Though not noteworthy himself, his first wife, Valentina Vassilyeva, set the record for most children birthed by a single woman. She gave birth to total of 69 children; however, few other details are known of her life, such as her date of birth or death. She gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets between 1725 and 1765, in a total of 27 births. 67 of the 69 children born survived infancy. The modern world record for giving birth is held by Leontina Albina from San Antonio, Chile. Now in her mid-sixties, she claims to be the mother of 64 children. Of these, 55 are documented. The mother with the greatest number of kids that are not twins is Livia Ionce. This Romanian woman, 44, gave birth to her 18th child in Canada in 2008.

4
World's Biggest Distance for a Jet of Semen (18 ft 9 in - 570 cm)

World's Biggest Distance for a Jet of Semen (18 ft 9 in - 570 cm)
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in (579 cm) with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in - 375.92 cm) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

5
World's Oldest Prostitute (82-year-old)

World's Oldest Prostitute (82-year-old)
Prostitution is commonly known as the world's oldest profession. Meanwhile police in Tai Pei estimate an 82 -year-old nicknamed "Grandma" to be the oldest living, working prostitute. Chiu went into the business about 40 years ago, after a man she had lived with for two decades died. She stays in the business charging ten or twenty times less than others prostitutes. (Source)

6
World's Biggest Orgy (250 couples)

World's Biggest Orgy (250 couples)
Japan has successfully set a new world record – having 250 men and 250 women consent to have sex in the same place at the same time, completing the world's biggest orgy! The Orgy was held in a warehouse with a professional camera crew taking pictures and recording the entire event. Each sex act and position was choreographed so that couples were simultaneous in their actions. Despite the "orgy" label, the 250 couples (all tested STD-free) featured in the video have sex only with each other and not with any other couple. The entire event is available for purchase on DVD.

7
World's Biggest Gang Bang (919 guys in the same day)

World's Biggest Gang Bang (919 guys in the same day)
Lisa Sparxxx is a noted American pornographic actress. She had sex with 919 guys in a single day, setting a world record. Specifically, it occurred during Eroticon 2004, a Polish convention that celebrates exactly what its title suggests, as part of the Third Annual World Gangbang Championship. This wasn't just some publicity stunt either; the coveted “World Gang Bang Record” had changed “hands” back in 2002 and 2003, when the number reached was 646 and 759, respectively.

8
World's Longest Man Masturbation (10 hours)

World's Longest Man Masturbation (10 hours)
A man by the name of Masanobu Sato attended the 2009 World Masturbate-a-thon held by the Center for Sex & Culture in San Francisco and set the world record for longest session by jerking it for 9 hours and 58 minutes. He came all the way from Japan just for the event, armed with a wide variety of sexual aids, and the record he was beating was his own. Last year he set the record with 9 hours and 33 minutes.

9
World's Strongest Vagina (lifts 31 lbs with her vagina)

World's Strongest Vagina (lifts 31 lbs with her vagina)
Meet Tatiata Kozhevnikova, the 42-year-old Russian woman with the world's strongest vagina. No, seriously, she broke records to attain that title. Incredibly enough, she lifted 14 kilograms worth of weights-- almost 31 pounds-- to achieve such notoriety. She has been exercising her intimate muscles for fifteen years, and has already made her entrance into the Guinness Book of Records as the possessor of the world's strongest vagina. “After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books on Dao and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem using wooden balls,” she said.

(Source)

10
World's Oldest Father (90-year-old)

World's Oldest Father (90-year-old)
The world's oldest father has done it again, fathering a child for at least the 21st time, at the age of 90. Indian farmer Nanu Ram Jogi, who is married to his fourth wife, boasts he does not want to stop, and plans to continue producing children until he is 100. Mr Jogi admits he is not certain how many children his series of four wives have borne him - but counts at least 12 sons and nine daughters and 20 grandchildren.