I am born male.
I truly feel alone and afraid.
Mid 50's and still anytime there is interest in me I am placed in the same two boxes be it any gender or how one wishes to be seen.

Females so far lean to me being alpha/Dom or beta/sub and in all cases told I am to provide for them in all ways.

Males are kinda the same.

Trans are same except for one person who I wish did get the job and move here (it was talking about the area I live in that in time included watching tv on the phone together and as close as one can that way).
We had so much in common and she got and was fine with how being white and not around many people told her I feared messing up not knowing if I had learned any bad ways of being or thinking by years of growing up with all that goes on in the south. She laughed and said already I so kind that she assumed If I did anything it would be small and a simple goof and she would guide me as I was a keeper. If we had got together, she said she was who she wanted to be and would not change. We were open and just blunt. She was a woman with a dick that worked. I was so sweet it did not matter how when we did share our self with each other the way we did. She wanted me to be at ease and we would figure it out. She did ask me to consider all the ways we could. We talked about it. It would have worked as we both (for the pleasure of the other) wanted slow foreplay,kissing,touching,masturbation,oral,anal finger and toying and anal both ways.
She would help me get clean and said she knew how to treat her man and keep him very happy. She wanted me to let her care for me and please me in any way I ever had dreamed and new ways we found. She could hear on the phone my breath and voice sound like my heart was pounding.
We knew what we looked like and at the paper she worked at I could verify the pic she sent was her :)

With her there was no alpha/beta/Dom/sub... That was what we both found so great about what was going on with us. We would guide each other and she was upfront that she was a giving person wanting to give me pleasure and make me happy. She told me to be open as she never would be like others had I told her of....

I told her I wanted to please her too. I was a giving lover and if it was ok then at any time I may feel the urge to cuddle, hold, want to touch her and fondle her and just melt away doing that. I also did not fear just out of the blue giving oral and swallowing or sharing a kiss if that was ok. She was the same and told me we would be little bunny rabbits cuddling alot then.

She told me their would be times she would want to watch me as I gave anal and she wanted me to only do it in ways it felt the best for me and cum freely, she take care of everything. With her and how she was I told her I wanted her to do the same. Being equal and not into all the who takes from who and all that, we were free to do anything we felt be it for us or the other or together....
That is so hard to find and why I wish someone had not just change their mind and give the job to someone else... (being local I could keep up with what was going on at the paper and it seemed odd how it all went to someone who in the end got fired...
She would have been great there and in my life...

I guess the point is inside I have emotions and love not shown like males in porn and what many seem to want.
I find I am like many vids and pics of females who love each other and show it with care and much warmth but no domination or degrading for ones pleasure.

After so many years of being told my place would be this and that, She was of same soul as I am.

She had to go far west of even where she was to get the same better job. I was happy for her but still dream of what so far no one else is.....

I keep it to myself as It has been made clear from others idea of who I should be that I would be used or hurt. I wait for someone who is like her and also like her, finds interest in the same things I think of that I favor here. People have truly had hate just because I am pansexual or in short, If shown love and cared for as I dream then I can love anyone as long as they have real love for me.

I have wrote before how I respect all who respects others and truly care and their actions back that up.
I wrote how with all the harm in the world being done to others that I do not understand why so much open hate is shown to others here when that type of "play" should be between them and who wants it and not someone they do not even know....

I wrote that as it seems nothing I say is defended or supported who ever it is about and how truly nice I mean it about the pic or vid or post...
When a stranger just blocks you and you never have said a thing or they write you with hate and degrading words or attack your posts the same way it just makes someone like me so afraid and I just leave everyone alone keeping out of their way...

Please do not take this next part in a bad way. It is based on a real post and what I would think if it could be trusted.

A gay father has a son who is afraid of people like I am and seem to have been beat and so on at a young age as I did by others my age in school.

Seems they all have much in common with me so that would have been a good start.

I am over 50, the son is over 40, the father and his husband are early 60s.
The son is a full vers. ad the father is a vers top and his husband is a vers top.
They have the means and wish to find someone with much in common with their son who is very giving and they do not want taken advantage of....

The son and they talked... He is ok if the person they find becomes in bond married to him and them.
The son is not huge and that is fine with me. He has the same issue as no one is freely full vers and giving but not a sub.

His size with my help WOULD make me cum anal only. He is 3". And yes I would want to please him too and find what makes him cum from anal only.

That is just anal... All other ways above with the transgender I spoke of I think he would like too.

What the son talked about to them is if they could love that person as he did then chances are his size would not be an issue (as I said it would not for me)...

I would if real love be open to a real loving bond with all of them.
The father was a virgin when married his wife and then divorced and got the son. The only other IS his husband he is with now and they all are clean (and think of it, They would not risk their son or them self so it makes sense they wish someone who would not and has not taken risks or cheat as an option for all of them).

To have three people who care and love you and take care of you as they listed is like a family but also allows deeper connections and bonds.

In that setting, I could be as dirty as my inner desires dream.
They do not seem to do anything with the son so I assume I could be with the son or when them. The son can watch of that is what they want or what ever.
If I am in the middle and that's ok then I have no issues with what is ok with them all.

They say they and their son in private are more feminine than males and hope the other is also.

In that setting for sure of giving to each other, A few dreams I have some nights I would like to try.

One is they fondle and kiss me all over, play and suck my nipples. They slowly anal play till I am slick and ready on my own. They slowly penetrate me little bits at a time. When all is smooth they make love till they get to their edge and then swap.
I would like them to do this as long as they can and see how many times they can make me orgasm from anal only.
When we all are about given out, I want them to orgasm in me and we cuddle.

Another is I am in the middle giving anal and getting it.
Many ways that can go.
If the one giving cums then they swap.
I edge for my pleasure as they swap till I cum.

Another is before anal, we enjoy oral many times till we all have given to each other.
Then if they are still turned on by my desires, They swap one giving oral as one gives anal.
When I cum the one swallows and sucks hard as I tell the one giving anal to take me.
After they cum, swap places.

There are times it would be nice for any of them to fine me, show me their clean hole, suck me hard and tell me to take them.

If they are ok with their son and my lover being there, Then I have a special idea :)

My lover and I 69...
As we nurse on the others cock, the others give me anal swapping and we do that as long as we can as many times we can cum as we can.

It is funny I am not ever going out and doing all I dream... But I hope someone who is like minded and loves in ways as I do sees this and will do anything to care for and love me for all I am to and for them for all they do and give to me.

Well... That's all for now... If you are someone who hides and wishes for me as I am like you, Well, Keep looking here as you can find me if you will give and do anything for me. Hire a PI or what ever :)
Just be ready to prove your not like what I have run into on my own so far.... I look and try but domination is all they want to do to me or make me a slave....

It is not that I can not be sexual and be that like crazy... I just will not be ab_used ( I can not believe the bot banned the way I used that word. Soon all will be banned sadly), harmed, degraded ,placed at risk or used.

To real loving souls who would move the world for me, protect me, care for all of me, wish to make me happy and content forever..... My mind opens to much more than many. No harm or such.... But I will only say this... A woman is not the only being who can be attracted to a being whose loyal and will protect with all they are and show real love. As long as it is with love and care, So much is open to dream.....

If this draws hate, that backs what I have said. I have done nothing to anyone.

I lost my virginity in college. Prior to that, I only had messed around with two women, but didn't have actual sex with. First one was my first gf - I got a few hand jobs, and a single, awkward bj, before we broke up.

Now, the second one was something different.

It was the summer before college, and I was spending it at my grand parents house. They lived in a small house, on the Mediterranean, and I would always spend my summers there. Now, this might sound like a confession of a super rich man, to a non European, but my mom originated from this little place, and my grand parents lived there all of their lives. So, not being rich, every summer, I would do kind of a house and yard work, on neighboring houses that are usually rented weekly, you know the drill.

In one of the small, stone houses, there was a woman, with her husband, but he traveled back and forth to the city, being there mostly on the weekends, and she stayed almost all through July and August.

Now, when you are 19, you imagine a 50 year old woman, as this old, wrinkled up granny. No, she was all the opposite of that, slim, petite, beautiful blonde, and she was so obviously a big city woman, you could see it, by the way she dressed, acted, her accent, and peculiar choice of wine she would drink, all day, every day. I thought about her a lot, since, she would sunbathe topless, when I am around, not caring about my gazes. I remember finding that strange, but on the second thought, she was sunbathing on this stone patio, that got out straight to the sea, so people swimming or passing by in their boats, could see her as well. Her tits were very small, but still firm, and I thought about them, as soon as I would go home, and was by myself.

She was giving me attention, only I would think that I was imagining it. She would suddenly have something to do in the house, while I was cleaning, sometimes in a dress, usually just in a bikini bottom. Now, in retrospect, I was a perfect target for a summer fling, I was young, I looked good, from all the work I put on, tanned from exposure to the sun.

I kissed her one afternoon, when she had to go into the cupboard, at the time I was in it, and it was obvious she just wanted to initiate something. We were in the bed, and when I got down on her (only sexual thing I did before and felt comfortable doing, wanting to show that I am not some schmuck, but a seasoned lover), I saw that she had nothing under her dress. Her pussy was bald and perfect, and she came really, really fast.

As I took my shorts down, ready for more, I guess she came to her senses, and asked me to stop. She said she is sorry, but that I have to go.

You can imagine the blue balls I had that day.

Tomorrow, she acted if nothing has ever happened.

The day after, her husband came back.

And that was it. I thought about that woman, for solid five years, at first, every night, then once a week, than monthly. This morning, I remembered her again, and decided to write this.