This is a MSpaint do over of a picture I used to possess.
It's a furry picture of two green lynxes, with a tan(ish) background. the female seductively smiling and the male nervously anticipating.
If anyone has the original, it would be awesome if they posted it for me

Well, I'm going to confess to you about my terrible nylon fetish, you can read this if it turns you on because this is completely true. I didn't really mean to, but I've ended up writing a lot including about the time I was raped. So, if this shit turns you on, read on, but if you're fantasising about it I don't want to know because this did happen to me and it is painful to think about.

I'm a straight male teen, but I really want some nylons to wear. I hate how my body is starting to bulk and become more triangular, I also hate my bodily hair but don't want to shave it off or i'll be made fun of. I love having long legs and want to "neutral" looking slim body for a while but can't. I actually detest the male body, including my own, which is probably the explanation for my nylon fetish.

I really want to get some new nylons, but I'm too embarrassed to buy them from a store and my mail is always intercepted before it gets to me so I can't get anything online. I hate it, the ones I have no are ripped and stretched too much and stained and don't look sexy at all. I'm considering going out of town to buy nylons and just gritting my teeth about the embarrassment.

Despite all this, I don't actually like having this fetish at all. It possesses me, I have an alter ego. I call her Jess. Jess comes out when wear nylons, or sometimes, if I smoke cannabis, I become jess for real and put on a girls voice and act very girly.

I have this terrible nylon fetish. I think I have it for these reasons:
- Both of my old sisters (12 and 15 years older than me) used to carry me around on their feet when I was little, often whilst they wore nylon. I'd straddle their feet and they would "walk" with me. I used to love the feel of their nylon. I was a strange child, I remember being 6 or 7 and writing on a board in my room about wanting to have sex with a girl in my class, and how embarrassed I was when my sister read it and then would tease me about it. I can remember one time when I was about 7, I went into my sisters bedroom when I couldn't sleep and got into the younger of my two sisters beds and began cuddling her because I wanted sex, she must have been about 16 at the time. I kissed her on the cheek a few times and put my arms around her chest telling her I was cold. Nothing happened, she just acted innocently and carried me back to my bed, sat and talked to me for a while about general stuff (i don't remember what, nothing exciting) and then gave me one of the blankets from her bed.

- I used to steal their nylons, and got caught several times. I was always told they were not for boys, and that made them strictly taboo, and therefore more exciting. When asked why I couldn't describe why, I just said "they feel nice" and that was probably all I knew, because I didn't know much about sexual feelings at all.

- I don't find men attractive. I hate the male body, including my own. I think this is probably because when I was 8, I got molested by a 13 year old boy.

I've never told anyone this in real life, but I've posted it on here a few times. This is a genuine story and I'm not getting a kick out of writing this, it's a confession, coming from one fucked up person, so you can get a look into my physce and maybe understand why I'm in the dark corners of the internet. This boy was an older brother of a friend at school. Basically, I used to see his younger brother a lot as we were close friends and he would come to my house often, nothing gay we were just friends. During the summer I had a pool in my garden and he and his older brother came round.

Well, it was warm and we were in swim shorts, and the younger brother went to the toilet inside the house. This left me and his older brother in the garden shed (it's like a summer house) with his brother and he started telling me all these secrets that his brother and had told him about me. Petty stuff, like which girls I fancied, what trouble I had been in at school - he never knew about the nylons.

This boy picked up hammer that was in the shed and then threatened me to suck his cock. He never actually hit me, and that's what I'm ashamed of, but I was young and intimidated he was overwhelming me with blackmailed. This boy rolled down his trousers and told me to suck his dick unless he wanted everyone to know my secrets. I said I didn't want to and he started shouting at me. I was in the corner of the room and I did it. I didn't cry, I didn't feel anything, I just did it. I remember that taste, it didn't feel erotic at all, it just kind of felt like a finger. I didn't pull his foreskin back and he was still flaccid or maybe a semi. He didn't cum, and only did it 3 or 4 times. Maybe I was really bad at pleasing him, or maybe he came to his senses, or maybe he was interrupted. I don't remember everything, but he laughed at me and left and said don't tell anyone about this or I'll tell everyone you're gay for sucking a cock.

He stood there laughing and then walked out the garden. I was about to burst into tears and his brother returned and asked me what happened. I said nothing happened. He really wanted to know and I just yelled at him to get lost. He and his brother left.

I really hate that guy. He got away with violating me. He's made me question my sexuality for years and he's fucked me up emotionally. What else is very annoying, is he has a beautiful, absolutely stunning, girlfriend who's 4 years younger than him.

There is no karma is this world. He's got a beautiful girlfriend, while I'm a fucking creep with trust issues, sulking in the corner of the internet, questioning my own sexuality because he ruined my childhood. I've tried to kill myself many times, and considered finding a way to take him with me, but I've never had the guts to do any of it.

I struggle to trust anyone and I hate the male phesque. It makes me question my whole sexuality because of that. Basically, I want to be a girl because I hate men, including myself. The only way I feel femine and happy is with nylon. It lets me escape who I am and I become someone else.

I have considered what it I would need to have a sex change multiple times. I don't feel like I'm close to any of my family members (not even my sisters any more, they moved out when I was about 10 and I barely see them. They probably couldn't wait to get away from me). I often think though when my parents die, I'd have a sex change. However, being exceptionally tall at approximately 6ft 4, I'd hardly pass for female.

I really don't know what I should do. I guess this is just a confession rather than a question. I full expect a bunch of perverts with no morals at all to come troll me now or to call me a fag or gay. I'd rather you didn't, but hey this is the internet and I can't physically stop you, but maybe you'd understand why I am this way.

To nearly everyone, I'm a straight attractive slim tall male who does ok in society. No one knows about my dark secrets. I don't act gay or camp, or look female at all.

there is a story in the news right now where a 30 something year old substance abuse counselor has been arrested on charges for inappropriate touching of his teenage female clients. As the investigation went on the plot thickened, A) they found that he had several videos of teen couples fucking in his office, and B) he was found to be in possession of "child porn" videos.

How much you want to bet these so called "child porn videos" are web cam vids? many of which can be found on this very site.

Apparently he would set his mobile phone to record what was going on in his office, and then he must have told/allowed male/female couples that they could have some "alone time" in his office. According to the article i read the persons in the videos appeared to be unaware that they were being recorded.

The good news is: I found a guy to do stud service on my wife.

The bad news is: I didn't find him at this site.

But the Motherless boards get to take the credit anyway, because it was someone's Board post that led to it, as in, one thing leads to another.

His Ad was written very politely, but it specified an Asian or Latina female. Undoubtedly the moderators removed it within hours, but my timing was fortuitous.

I answered it, and the guy promptly sent me his various measurements, so I felt confident that we were on the same page. I described the situation, then I asked him for a dated mirror selfie. It arrived within five minutes.

After that, while we chatted, he seemed intelligent, sincere, and most important, possessing the right character traits, so I went to meet him in a parking lot near where he lives.

We talked about her, and that conversation went well, so a week later I had him visit a grocery store while she was inside, so that he could view her anonymously.

She's going to take him raw.

He's five inches (13cm) taller than I am, ninety pounds heavier (40kg), and he has a physical job, so he's strong.

My wife is petite.

It won't happen right away, but he's patient and he understands the why and the why-not. But when it does happen, he'll have her overnight, and he'll own her.

I want to breed most of my female co-workers, but they're all with someone (some are true milfs!). The truth is, I might actually sleep with them if they would let me, even knowing they're "spoken for". The only thing that makes me unsure if I actually would do it is that I don't know if I we'd be able to keep it secret enough. Mostly because I'd probably be smiling too much looking at her knowing I've had her, or me getting a little possessive mentally and look disapproving when they casually talk about their man... but I probably would give in to the temptation of their pussies.

I'm also a hypocrite, I'd not want to be their man, since I don't -my girl- opening her legs to others like they would be doing, but would gladly borrow other's wives and girlfriends and return them with their pussies full of my cum, cuckolding their man.

The hot women at work are so nice to look at, but also so distracting...

I just want to share a story with you guys. Everything, every little detail outlined in the following story is ABSOLUTELY TRUE. It is a story of the trials and tribulations of a former U.S. spy, the rise and downfall of a former U.S. Army Intelligence Soldier named Eric Sykes. The story of Eric Sykes is broken down into multiple parts, about three or four. His story is that of not only a man who lost an internal battle with himself, but a harrowing story of betrayal that highlights the state of the United States as a whole, the lack of integrity and downright sleaziness possessed by U.S. senior leadership as a whole, on the Executive level. I may or may not be that soldier described. I will provide documentation proving of the soldier's existence. The stories will be broken down into about three or four parts. I would like to begin the series with a story that highlights Eric Sykes's rise as a US Army Intelligence Soldier. The following story was written by a colleague of his describing Eric Sykes's heroic actions will training in the US Army Intelligence training school:

"I was fortunate enough to have been there on his first day at AIT (Army Job Training). I remember him looking around nervously to see if he could find a friendly face at his first AIT physical training session. He excelled at physical training, that fact became apparent from this very first day. He performed better than the majority of us, drill sergeants were quick to point that out. We were the students on holding status, having just gotten in to Fort Huachuca, Arizona, and waiting to be assigned to a class. Some of us were here, unfortunately, from disciplinary reasons, expelled from our classes. It wasn't long before the drill sergeants assigned this very athletic soldier the position of squad leader. We were all jealous, we disliked him, I'm pretty positive that he could sense that, probably why he always remained quiet, always remained to himself. Admittedly, though, some of us disliked him simply because he was black and that he had been given a position of authority above us. But the fact remained that he was the best soldier for the position from what the drill sergeants could see, and the only medium they had was how we performed at physical training (not to mention whether or not we had some disciplinary problems). About as soon as he was given the position, he had secured a slot in a class and had to move to another squad to join the rest of the soldiers who had gotten a class.

From the very start of class, we could tell that he was a very smart young man. He was very inquisitive and he always asked relevant questions that related to the big picture. Not to mention that he would score pretty well on tests. It wasn't long before he would earn our deepest respect, some of our respect was due to the fact that he was a quiet guy, you gotta respect quiet people. Mostly, though, our respect towards him is due to four near-miraculous, selfless acts of integrity.

His first act of integrity amazed us, but really wasn't surprising because we were all submerged, from basic training, in Army values. Every soldier was expected to live and exemplify the seven Army values - Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage. What had happened, in this case, was that he had gotten back his test that had a perfect score in the header, he had scored a 100%. Everyone else in the class were given back their tests and the Army instructors proceeded to go over the answers to the test. During our going over the answers to the tests, our soldier noticed that the instructor had marked an answer right which he really had gotten wrong. Our soldier wasted no time in raising his hand and rising from his seat to respectfully inform the instructor that his grade should be reduced because he had gotten one of his answers wrong. The instructor called our soldier to the front of the class to see his test. He recognized that a mistake had, in fact, been made. The instructor took his test and marked it down from a 100%.

Later, our soldier was called into a private meeting with the Army instructor where he was duly commended, in the form of formal counseling, for his amazing show of integrity in class.

Our soldier's second act of courageous integrity occurred in exactly the same manner as the first. He, again, noticed that the instructor has miss-marked his test. Again, our soldier wasted no time in informing the instructor of his mistake.

This time, our soldier was commended verbally, in the form of informal counseling, for his actions. It was at this end that our soldier had earned the hearts and respect of other soldiers, his fellow classmates - even to the extent where the soldier was referred to, by some of his classmates, as being their "M.I. Hero". Our soldier found himself being aggressively targeted by female soldiers in his class. Two of his female classmates even expressed, many times in class, that they wished to participate in a threesome with our soldier.

The third incidence of a selfless act of integrity was, no doubt, the hardest test for our soldier. What happened was one day, while all the students were exiting the class in order to go home, to the dormitories, for the evening, the entire schoolhouse was subjected to a surprise shakedown of all take-home school materials for classified information. All of the Army instructors in the schoolhouse participated in the event. How the event was set up was that the students were sequestered within a particular area of the schoolhouse waiting to be seen by a large group of instructors. Once they were called, the students were taken into a room, where the instructors were, where their things were torn through in an attempt to locate any classified materials in their things. Once the soldier is cleared, no classified information found within their things, they are sent to a cleared room to wait for the others to finish getting their things checked. The whole experience, to the unseasoned soldier new to the community that they were striving to become a part of, is quite an intimidating and disorientating experience.

Our soldier was shaken down and given a "Go" due to the instructors not finding any classified information among his things. Our soldier was sent to the cleared room with other soldiers having been identified as not having any classified information among their things.

While in the cleared room, our soldier was putting his things back into his backpack and arranging the things in his backpack into their normal positions when he found a piece of classified information among his things. Dejected and knowing the seriousness of what he had done, our soldier left the cleared room back into the shakedown area to inform the instructors that he had, in fact, had compartmented information among his things and respectfully informed them that they had been mistaken.

To have been faced with such odds, to have been subjected to the intimidating, near-violent experience of having been shaken down by instructors and his heading back into the fray to inform them that they had made a mistake and that he was at fault was, no doubt, an amazing act of gumption and integrity - especially when he could have easily hidden the fact from the instructors and gotten away with it.

The fourth incident of his having shown a tremendous, highly admirable display of all seven of the Army values happened in close relation to the third. The next day, an Army instructor sat down with our soldier in a private meeting to discuss what had happened the previous day and to discuss the possible ramifications of what he had done. The instructor sat down with our soldier and asked him, specifically, if he had, in fact, taken home the compartmented information. Reflecting back on the previous days events, it could not be proven if our soldier had really taken home the information, after all, the students were intercepted while on their way out of the schoolhouse, not outside of the schoolhouse. The instructor proceeded to pressure our soldier, cajole him to admit whether or not he had taken the compartmented information home. If our soldier had attested, at that point to the instructor, to have not taken the information home, it would serve as to remedy the situation, to some extent, that he was now facing, it would serve to rid him of a lion's share of the guilt of having compartmented information in his take-home materials.

Our soldier, upon contemplation of whether or not he had really taken home the information, admitted to having taken the compartmented information home the day prior to the day of the shakedown. The instructor then asked if he was absolutely sure that he had taken home the information. Again, our soldier admitted to taking home the compartmented information.

Even though the Army instructors never showed it out in the open, they could not help to be, behind closed doors, in awe and admiration over our soldier. Nevertheless, what was done was done, our soldier had to be punished for what he did. It was decided that our soldier was to be "rolled-back" to another class. He would have to be sent back to a class that had started much after his class had begun. Nevertheless, our soldier remained completely composed throughout this ordeal. He wasn't at all angry with the decision, rather, he remained apologetic about what he had done, he acknowledged that what was happening to him was the direct result of his actions.

Our soldier went to his newly assigned class and performed well. He graduated and moved on from the AIT environment to his very first duty station - which consisted of a highly coveted special assignment normally reserved for higher ranking U.S. Army Intelligence soldiers, most definitely not for soldiers fresh from AIT, still wet behind the ears. Did the ordeals that happened during his AIT have anything to do with our soldier being given such a specialized assignment? We all will never know.

Again, I must say that I am both fortunate and privileged to have witnessed such noble and heroic acts of such an amazing soldier. Even though these accounts are those of a soldier who goes on to be unknown, I feel that it is only right that the audience should know who this soldier was, so I am going to go ahead and subvert any mystery or ambiguity that could be derived from this story by stating that the soldier's name was Sykes."

So I would like to share something I haven't told many people until now...

Living a hedonistic lifestyle, where pleasure is my holy grail, and being quite emotionally dysfunctional, led me all the past years to experience intense moments of pleasure and satisfaction by not hesitating to indulge in any carnal or mental desire coming upon me. There is a part of myself, a really dark part of me, that is drawn by evil in such a way that I get pleasure and satisfaction from it, instead of abhorrence. And I mean sexual and mental pleasure. Things that average people consider taboo, sick or immoral (not only related to sexuality) have such a hold in me that, after all these years, I have come to the conclusion that darkness and evil are my natural environment, or habitat. I feel so much more comfortable, free and full exploring and living my dark side, than when trying to be "normal".

One of the things that really make me feel alive, turning to the dark side, and I mean spiritually. Many people probably don't believe in the existence of spiritual entities, but my experiences prove otherwise. I love to turn my back to the light and follow the dark entities. The reason is simple. I am a hedonist. All I crave for is pleasure. And those dark beings, which people call demons, are giving me this pleasure that I could not find in the other side. I have observed that the more deep I dive in darkness and evil, the more intense this pleasure is and the more of it I want. I speak literally of carnal pleasures. I am extremely more horny when indulging in a most sick, and evil act than in "normal" sexual acts. There were times when I would have orgasms lasting for more than 5 or even 10 minutes, during which I couldn't control my body, thoughts or speech!

When I speak about demonic entities, I speak about real personal beings. I have had some experiences that I won't go into details here, but I can say that those beings are really willing to help us achieve our dreams and goals, provided we offer them some kind of serivce. As I said I won't go into details now, but for certain reasons, some of those beings made clear to me their demands, what my service to them would be in exchange of even more intense sexual experiences. And from my part I do my best to please them and I am really thrilled by their rewards.

One of my experiences, which is pretty recent, was a mid-sleep sexual intercourse with such a being. Now some may not believe it. I can't actually say that it was real or a dream. I don't know what it was. All I know is that, during my sleep, I felt my ass violated suddenly. It was really painful, but to my surprise, it was also immensely pleasurable! My body was in pain and extreme pleasure at the same time. I couldn't see who it was. I can't even recall if I was awake or asleep. But there was a deep reassurance in me that it was not a human being, it was certainly a spiritual being. I could feel the presence in all my body's cells. I could literally feel a second entity within me, clearly distinguishable from me, another person. It was extremely powerful. It got hold of my whole body, even my internal organs!! It was as if each cell of me was moving and obeying this creature's will! I could feel a cock penetrating my ass, but not of human size. This was something from another world. I could feel it reaching to my lungs and I remember thinking how is it possible that I don't die!! I was literally getting ass raped in the most heavenly (or hellish?) manner, and even if I wanted to escape I couldn't. But I did not want to escape. I was controlled by that being.

What surprised me positively, is that most of my pleasure was drawn from the fact that I was captive to a dark demonic entity that was having it's way with me with no ability or will to resist from my part!! I was having multiple orgasms the whole time, and I found my self willing to surrender even more to the darkness. I wanted to dive deep into the demonic abyss of lust and pleasure. I forgot to mention that this demon was also stinking awfully and it was piss and shit. Again, in spite of the hellish smell, (part of my self was tortured by it), I was still experiencing even more pleasure, I was getting even more horny, and I was thrilled by the fact that I was turned on by this filth, this stench and this torture. I remember thinking that if evil and darkness can be so pleasant in spite of the torture, then I would certainly love to dive deeper and deeper and see what more do demons have to offer me. I don't remember if it lasted 5 minutes or 5 hours. I can't tell. I remember the demon pulling out of my ass so forcefully I felt my guts spilling out. Then I just dropped my body on the bed.

I DID feel my guts where hanging out of my ass, but I remember I was about it too and masturbating, and I didn't even care. After a while I slept. When I woke up in the morning everything seemed like a dream. My body was... intact. My ass was my everyday ass, and my guts... well inside me, in their place. There was only one thing. I could still smell piss and shit. Not so strong smell as it was with the demon. Not even the smell of ordinary shit. It was a soft smell of piss and shit. It was enough though to make me horny and rub myself once more. The second thing that remained was the bliss. I was feeling empty and full at the same time. Empty as in I was used body, mind and soul. Full because the memory of the intense pleasure remained still, and a great joy of entering a world unknown to me until then! I was thrilled by this unexpected visitation and deep inside me I was hoping to experience it again.

Until that happened to me, my inclination to evil and the dark side was more like an inner urge for me than something imposed from the outside. All I knew was only from personal experience and nothing more. It happened that a few days ago I talked with a really nice guy. Extremely perverted and also drawn by the evil side. At some point I came to tell him about this experience. It seems this guy had some knowledge of these things and told me a lot about what actually happened to me.

It turns out what I experienced was indeed real, not physical though. It happened in a spiritual dimension. He told me that I was contacted by a demon he named incubus. He told me that certain specific things i did in the past had actually been an invitation to the demons and that I have opened doors to them granting them the right to free access in me. To sum it up, he told me that I am actually possessed by certain demons (demons of lust) who use me for their own plans and in exchange they reward me with extreme pleasure for my services. A great part of my services to them is to corrupt other people especially those who cling to the bright side.

Given my love and attraction to evil and darkness, I was overwhelmed with joy when I learned I am possesed by the demons of lust. It was and is a pursuit in my life to dive deeper and deeper into it, and now I feel so blessed (or cursed??) to have experienced an intercourse with a demon and I hope for more and more demonic sex in the future and with more fetishes included. I realized that this demon "offered" me some of my sexual fantasies, like lung-deep penetration, snuff and internal organ destruction. I came to understand that in the spiritual realm the limitations of the flesh have no power. Your ass can be ripped apart while the demonic cock enters it and exits from your mouth, or the demon can shit directly into your extremely dilated urethra filling your bladder with demonic turds, while your body stays intact in the physical dimension, and still you get all the pleasure of experiencing the fantasy.

This guy told me that I should call the incubus demon and also other succubus demons which are like "female" or "shemale" demons of lust and sex. Eventually they will come and I know it will be an awesome experience.

Found this....the link to the site : http://www.babble.com/babble-voices/a-focused-life-me-ra-koh/13-characteristics-of-a-date-rapist-a-list-you-need-to-share/

13 Characteristics of a Date Rapist: A List You Need to Share

I spoke around the country on the topic of sexual assault after publishing my first book, Beauty Restored: Finding Life and Hope After Date Rape. Whenever I would read this list, the room would go silent. And I heard the cry of my own heart as college student after college student, teen after teen, said “If only I had heard this list before I was raped. Maybe I would have known.” Below are thirteen characteristics of Date/Acquaintance Rapists. If you know someone who is displaying these characteristics, does that make them a rapist?

No.

But if you know someone who is in a relationship with someone exhibiting several of these behaviors, and especially if that someone is you, you can be affirmed through this list that this person is not a safe or healthy person to be in intimate relationship with. This is the list I wish I would have known before my own date rape. This is the list I’ve shared with thousands of youths, college students and women conferences over the last twenty years.

Below this list, I will share how these characteristics looked in my story with the numbers of the specific characteristic inserted at different points, so you can see how this list plays out in real life. In light of the current news, I encourage you to share these thirteen characteristics with all the young people in your life–especially those in a place of vulnerability.

13 Characteristics of Date/Acquaintance Rapists

Although there is no profile of a typical date or acquaintance rapist, experts have identified behavioral characteristics that tend to be exhibited by date and acquaintance rapists.

1. Displays anger or aggression, either physically or verbally (The anger need not be directed toward you, but may be displayed during conversations by general negative references to women, vulgarity, curtness toward others, and the like. Women are often viewed as adversaries.)

2. Displays a short temper; slaps and/or twists arms

3. Acts excessively jealous and/or possessive (Be especially suspicious of this behavior if you have recently met the person or are on a first or second date.)

4. Ignores your space boundaries by coming too close or placing his hand on your thigh, etc. (Be particularly cognizant of this behavior when it is displayed in public.)

5. Ignores your wishes

6. Attempts to make you feel guilty or accuses you of being uptight

7. Becomes hostile and/or increasingly more aggressive when you say no

8. Acts particularly friendly at a party or bar and tries to separate you from your friends

9. Insists on being alone with you on a first date

10. Demands your attention or compliance at inappropriate times, such as during class

11. Acts immaturely; shows little empathy or feeling for others and displays little social conscience

12. Asks personal questions and is interested in knowing more about you than you want to tell him

13. Subscribes excessively to traditional male and female stereotypes

*excerpt from Beauty Restored: Finding Life and Hope After Date Rape and Adapted from Carol Pritchard’s book, Avoiding Rape On and Off Campus

I met him the first week of my college freshmen orientation. He was charming, funny and a leader on campus. He was studying to be a Youth Pastor. I had never been away from home, and due to a painful relationship with my dad, I was hungry for love and attention.

The same week, he showed up at my dorm room. I remember wondering how he knew where I lived, but pushed the question aside. He asked if I wanted to go out on a date. I suggested a group date, but he pushed for time alone. I ignored the uncomfortable feeling inside and agreed (#9). The older girls were excited for me. They knew him, and he was funny with everyone. Why should I worry?

Soon after, we started dating more consistently. At first, he loved everything about me. But after a few weeks, things shifted. I remember coming out to the dorm lobby to meet him for dinner, and he asked me why I had chosen to wear something so awful. I went back to my dorm room embarrassed, in tears, and changed my clothes. He began telling me that my friends were talking about me and were not to be trusted (#8). I should spend more time with him, and after all, I hardly knew these new college friends.

One day, while driving in the car, I disagreed with something he said. He grabbed my thigh and squeezed tightly. While holding my thigh and smiling, he calmly told me that I was out of line. I felt trapped and afraid, but again, I didn’t listen. Then he let go of my leg and laughed. This was the beginning of him grabbing my thigh with an iron grip when he wanted me to pay attention (#4 and #7). If only I had known this was an actual characteristic of date rapists.

When I finally broke off the relationship, he followed me everywhere. He wanted another chance, another date, another opportunity to make up for how wrong things were going. No matter how many times I said no, he didn’t give up. Flowers showed up at my door, cards with confessions of love. He felt that God had brought us together. I was being too uptight, unforgiving. How could I not give him another chance, he asked. The girls around me swooned. Was I making a big deal out of nothing? He would not accept no for an answer. (#5 and #6)

So I agreed to one more date, as friends, on Valentine’s Day. But after dinner, he didn’t take me back to my dorm. He took me to an abandoned parking lot.

I remember being trapped, unable to get free from the car.

I remember the moment I gave up fighting and went far away in my head to survive what was happening to my body.

I remember him driving me back to my dorm, telling me that he’d give me a call some time soon, with a casual smile and wave goodbye.

I remember standing in the shower with all my clothes on, shaking and crying.

I remember changing the way I dressed, so that baggy clothes and dark colors hid my shape, my joy, hid me.

I remember hearing that he had done this before. I was number four.

I remember standing in the court room. Alone. And a woman judge asking me why I didn’t just get out of the car if things were “that bad”.

I remember feeling raped a second time by the court system.

It was Valentine’s Day, over 21 years ago.

If someone would have told me about these thirteen characteristics, I may have realized my gut instinct was in fact, telling me the truth. I may have thought twice about spending time with him. And even though everyone on campus seemed to love him, I may have given this list a second look and decided not to date him. But I never saw the list, and I was a broken nineteen year old who had zero self worth.

Before I became a photographer, I authored the book Beauty Restored: Finding Life and Hope After Date Rape. I spoke wherever I could – at women’s conferences, college campuses, and youth groups – and did over 40 national TV and radio interviews to bring awareness to a topic that is often kept quiet.

In my many years of speaking, I have witnessed how far reaching date rape is. I have held high school girls in my arms as they have sobbed uncontrollably. I have seen junior high boys weep under the chairs of the church. I have had grandmas confess that they have not told anyone of their rape for over 60 years. The loss in their voice, the grief, believing that swallowing the shame year after year was necessary.

These characteristics came to me after my rape. But you can share this list with friends, young people, youth groups, and college students to help prevent this horrible crime. Awareness is the key. Awareness has the power to make all the difference. Date/Acquaintance rape is never about sex, but power. The mind often feels crazy, second guessing everything, wondering if you are making a big deal out of nothing. And too often, I have found that the victim has been deprived of healthy love to know the difference. But we can change that. With our culture struggling to know how to respond to rape, you can have a powerful conversation with the young people you know. Working together, we can stop the shame and confusion. And even speak a word of hope to the one who is already hurting in silence.

*Learn more about Me Ra and her story.

You can find her at merakoh.com.

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